Conjured by Raven Starkiller

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your iPod battery finally craps the bed. Time to install that biodiesel power pack you’ve been dreaming of.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
YOU WILL HAVE TROUBLE WITH ALL CAPS.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Are you The Twins? Which one of you has the Van Dyke? Forget it, I’m sending you both back to the Mirror Universe.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Okay, now open up system preferences. It’s under the Apple pull-down menu. It’s also in Applications. Yes, I understand. Have you restarted the computer? Is it plugged in?

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Spring approaches, and with it, a blooming love. Don’t give it too much sunshine or you just might dry it out. Instead, let it rest in the shade during the hotter parts of the day.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
It may seem like it, but obsessing about the movie “300” does not make you “a warrior”. Try hitting the gym instead. At the very least, a comparative literature class might prove useful.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 23)
Avoid the comic book shop unless you wish to find out the hard way that there is no Action Comics #1 misprint where you can totally see Superman’s junk.

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21)
Live up to your Zodiac name and start a planned community named Cypress Creek.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
If you help Dad clean the garage today, you’ll have a place to “do it” tomorrow. Don’t forget to sawdust the oil stains though.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
NASA believes that the problem of moon dust might be solved by making the lunar base out of…moon dust! Go make that shit happen, slacker.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
I have your car towed all the way to your house and all you’ve got for me is *lite* beer?

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)
You’d get your horoscope faster if you weren’t so needy. Seriously. I’ve been meaning to tell you for awhile and I’m sorry it’s coming out like this but I need some space. Maybe next month we can get back to normal.